Remember..

Assalamualaikum,

Out of sudden my memory play back me in high school. Socially isolated, where maybe I was the one trying to get away from the crowd or maybe they just don't favor me anymore. I used to feel flattered when my neighboring classmate call my name every time they see me, "Aisyah. Aisyah.." now everyone change. I'm no one special.

I remembered my bunk bed, the wall besides it stained yellow. The bed I used to spend almost 90% of my high school life. My youth was wasted. Not knowing about the future, I keep myself shut. 

My tears, they fall every time pain struck. I never knew why my chest is hurting, why I always feel emptiness. Why tears keeps flowing? Why should I cry?

The second..

Assalamualaikum,

I've been isolating myself lately. Thinking that I lost something really important in my life, maybe I've been neglecting myself. Locking myself away from other people. Having repeated my high school depression in my degree life.

That is when I used to sleep the whole day and being awake only at night, had my meal just before the sun rise once a day. They become routine easily, I kept my doors shut for about two years. I never even imagine going to uni. The fact that I could get to pursuing my degree, was never on my mind. Maybe I just wished to be locked up for the rest of my life.

Internet seems like not my cup of tea. I learn internet only in my third year of high school, having Myspace and not even knowing about Facebook until I stepped into uni. Used to selfie just like anyone else, painting my face with lipstick and what not. That is where I get to know about world and had my heart broken again by someone I never met.

Yes, I used be fond with make up. Painting my face with colors, camouflaging and trying to look pretty. Having had my life restricted from real social interaction I fell into strangers sweet talk easily. I'm becoming who I wasn't in my uni life, like wearing a completely different mask. I'm helpless.

Then I realize, have I been hypocrite? 

Why am I not myself?

Nowadays I find it hard to walk out of my house without the right amount of clothing, or maybe wearing clothes excessively with lots of layers. 

My classmate noticed when she last visited, "Aisyah kurus eh?"; and I replied "Mana ada kurus, gemuk adalah". Marking that maybe because I have layers above my skin that makes me look fat.

Maybe I really need help, but I just don't know where to start.

I'm losing me, once again.